Idiots Guide to Making your Dark Lord twitch…
by Spoon10488
Summary: Idiots Guide to making your Dark Lord twitch… 2nd Edition Author: H.J.Potter - Summary: Self help guide to reigniting the hatred in your and your Dark Lord's relationship. 000-Because every author needs a crack fic-000


Disclaimer: Wound I honestly be writing on FanFiction if I owned Harry Potter?

Warning: Rated T for a reason. The following content maybe considered inappropriate for certain audiences. Reader's desecration is advised.

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**Idiots Guide to making your Dark Lord twitch…  
(2nd Edition)  
By: H. J. Potter**

_This book is dedicated to my Dark Lord._

About the Author

Greetings, to all of you out there who have taken the time to read my book _not_ because I am the 'Boy Who Lived' but because you wish to cause uncontrollable twitching for the special Dark Lord in your life.

My relationship with the Dark Lord has its share of problems just like any other relationship. We have our ups and downs, manic highs and homicidal lows and yet we still have been able to keep that fiery passion alive.

It wasn't always like this though there was a time were both myself and my Dark Lord seemed to hit a stand still in our relationship. The adrenaline pumping moments we'd spend together seemed to dwindle and more and more often my Dark Lord would send one of his lackeys in his place. It became so bad that I was having a hard time sleeping.

When it comes to situations like that you suspect that your Dark Lord maybe messing around on you. That his homicidal rage is burning for someone else. You start to doubt all the good time you had. All the years he was there trying to make your life a living hell. All the nights that he thrust inside you making you scream… in metal agony as he tore relentlessly through your poorly occluded mind. But nothing compares to the feeling you have when you realize he has set his sights on killing another. But then he focuses his diabolical schemes back on you and you forgive him, only to have him do it again. First with your best friend's sister, then Bertha Jorkins, next your best friend's father and he even your Headmaster!

No nothing can save you from your sorrows when you know he should have devoted his sole focus on you just like a good archenemy is suppose to.

All these issues disappeared after I created my list of things that I knew would drive my Dark Lord crazy. I have written out this guide to help those who find themselves in the same or similar situation as myself.

Since I started in my commitment to making my Dark Lord twitch daily I have found that our times together have become a lot more invigorating. It has become a time for actions not words. To show each other how much we truly and deeply hate each other. Nothing can take my Dark Lord's attention off me and I, myself am just as fixated on him.

It is this passion I wish to teach all those how are having the similar problems. How to cope and rekindle that deep hatred in both you and your arch foe.

_One Dark Lord was harmed in the making of the book. Please do try this at home._

Chapter 1 – Where your Dark Lord is coming from

In this chapter you will explore your Dark Lord's twisted past. Feel free to violate their privacy by watching as many pensieve memories as possible.

-Ask them for a donation for the Muggle orphanage he grew up in.

- Send a 'Your Mama' joke book for a Birthday present.

- Send him a book of nursery rhymes including; 'Tom, Tom the piper's Son', 'Tommy Thumb, Tommy Thumb', and 'Little Tommy Tucker'.

- Express how much he looks like his father.

-Offer to give him the number of a good Therapist.

Chapter 2 – Taking an interest in your Dark Lord's interests.

In this chapter I will give you a basis to getting to know your Dark Lord's interests and making them as un-enjoyable as possible.

-Watch the Dark Lord be reborn out of a cauldron and yell aloud "Waiter, I'll pass on the 'Soup of the Day', thanks.".

- Question his choice of names for his evil followers.

-Ask if there is a monthly fee to becoming a Death Eater.

-Request the Dark Mark in hot pink.

-Attend a Death Eater meeting and yell "Look 'Scream' cosplayers!"

- Send them an owl in which you anagram 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' into 'Motor marvel dildo'.

Chapter 3 – Giving credit where credit is do

It is very important to know your Dark Lord's achievements and failures. The more things you can rub in their face the better. Remember you can never rub too much salt into a wound.

- Ask him where he studied magic, because the 'Avada Kedavra' generally produces death not scars.

-Randomly ask him "Are you 'smarter than of fifth grader' because you were obviously not stronger than a one year old."

- Wonder aloud "If your DADA teacher has sex while having a Dark Lord Parasite on the back of their head, does that make it a threesome?

-Ask him where his nose went.

-Suggest a good Plastic Surgeon

-Tell him the dementors called and they want their robes back.

- Singing the choris to 'I Will Survive, By Gloria Gaynor" repeatedly. (Enough said)

-When you have foiled your Dark Lords plans, yet again, simply say "Just think of how much practice you are getting for next time."

-Tell him he gets a gold star each day he doesn't kill, torture or maim anyone. And so far his total star is _Zero_.

-Ask to have his hairbrush, since he won't need it.

-Send a shoe polishing kit and say it's not for his shoes.

-Whenever you Dark Lord hisses ask if he has a speech impediment.

Chapter 4 – Don't be afraid of sex

Don't forget about sex and innuendo just because it is a general taboo. Press every advantage you have.

-After almost being possessed by your Dark Lord yell "I didn't know you wanted inside my body so bad. Pedophile!"

- Ask if he knows anyone by the name of 'Orochimaru'. If asked why simply state the he had an obsession with a little black haired boy too.

-Tell him you are study reptiles for a school project and need photographic proof snakes have hemipenes instead of a penis, so could he please drop his pants.

- Ask him what he thought about every time Professor Quirrell had a shower.

-Ask when he plans to sire heirs and if you could have a turn sitting on the nest.

-Wonder aloud, "During your rebirth into a body it seems you forgot your nose. Is there anything else you forgot?" take a suggestive glance at his crotch.

Chapter 5 – The little things matter.

In this chapter I will give you ideas on how to make the little things count. I have compiled a list of little things I did that would make my Dark Lord's day miserable. Remember every little twitch counts.

-Invest in a pair of snakeskin boots, and wear them proudly.

-Buy yourself a mongoose and name it 'Boy Who Lived'.

- Send them a Hollower that singing "The Snake Song, By Harley String Band".

-Get Mrs. Weasley to knit a Christmas jumper in Gryffindor red. Send it to your Dark Lord for Christmas with a strong 'Sticking Charm' on it.

-Send him a love note signed 'Love_, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_'

-When he is about to start a long evil monologue cut him off by say "Can we just skip to the _I do's_?"

-Ask if he's ever been to the Garden of Eden

-While beginning an epic battle in a freezing snow storm, ask if your Dark Lord if he gets sleepy when it's cold, because you want to know if you need to schedule a nap time into your 'Fight to the Death'.

- Send him painting supplies with a note the says _'Try expressing yourself in a non-violent fashion. Worse come to worse you could follow in Van Gogh footsteps. It would save me a lot of trouble.'_

- Mail order 29 Bundimuns numbered 1 to 30, skipping number 29 and have them delivered directly to your Dark Lord's number one follower (cough Malfoy, cough).

- Any time he enters a room yell "Here's Voldy!"

-Send him a positive thinking 'word a day' calendar.

-Kill his pet basilisk

Chapter 6 – In conclusion

In conclusion I'd like to wish you luck in your future endeavors in making your own Dark Lord twitch.

Chapter 7 – Testimonials

This chapter is dedicated to those who were helped by my book, _'Idiots Guide to making your Dark Lord twitch… (1st Edition)'_. Below are some of their stories and comments about there experiences with there own Dark Lord related issues.

Hi Harry,

Oh, sorry am I suppose you use your real name in this or your pen name, mate? Whatever. Well I just want to write and tell you I support your … ah, relationship with the Dark Lord. Show him who wears the pants around here!

- ChudleyCannonsFan

.'.'.

Greetings,

I'll be quick in my words for I am in the middle of beginning my next great adventure. I just wish to congratulate you, my boy, on using your gift well.

-Bumblebee

.'.'.

Dear H. J. Potter,

I'm glad you took more of an interesting in books, but wish that would have extended into reading them as well. I'm proud of you H. J. Potter, but really wish you had let my look over your book to proof for spelling and grammar errors, which there are.

-SPEW for change.

.'.'.

…,

I believe, Mr. Potter, I have never read anything more preposterous in my life. Though I don't expect I should be surprise considering your father's lack of intelligence. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

-Half Blood Prince

.'.'.

Hey cub,

I see you have finished your first book. It looks great. Lily would be so proud of your accomplishments. James and Sirius, would just be proud because of all the Marauder worthy ideas you have and your excellent use of innuendo, despite Molly's insistence that you would never write such a thing and it _had_ to be your twisted editor that put it in your head. Anyway, I guess I have gotten off track. This is supposed to be a testimonial. Unfortunately or fortunately, I have not had to deal with a Dark Lords obsessiveness so I can't actually say for certain how one would react. I will say that these tips work quite well on werewolf pack Alphas.

-Mooney

.'.'.

Harry dear,

I believe the next time you write a book you should yet me look through it first. There are a couple things that could be taken a little… sexually. Not that it is your fault. No that ruddy editor of yours most likely chorused you into writing such innuendos. You poor dear, don't worry I'll fix that editor of yours good. They wont taint your innocent mind any longer. Oh, have you been eating enough, dear? Your photo on the back cover looks a little peckish.

Many hugs,  
Mrs. Weasley

.'.'.

Harry James Potter,

Your death will be one of the most delicious things life will grant me. I will make sweet, sweet hatred to you all through the night. The next time we meet I will not only make to pant to catch your breath but also make to scream for me. I will make your every nerve cry out with my cruciatus. Your final demise will be a long torturous occasion that will wake even the dead with your sweet begging.

With the utmost hatred,  
Your Dark Lord

_Copyright 1997  
Publisher - __The Quibbler  
All Rights Reserved_

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Okay there is my crack fic. It seems to be a must to have a Harry Potter fic like this. I put a fair bit of effort into thinking up some of these things, so please review and let me know how I did. Thanks.

Please vote on my newest poll. I need your input as to which summary I should use for my Harry Potter fic.

**Review, please.**


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